I Hide My Tears Behind This Smile
by Lighting.Up.Thee.Sky
Summary: One-Shot/He grips the Channel Perfume in his hand as he sits next to the grave. The memories replay everyday through his life and no matter what they will always be there just like the wind blowing.


**I Hide My Tears Behind This Smile**

Derrick sat on the small patch of grass in front of the grave, head resting on knees. The breezy wind chilled his skin as it did his heart. His mind was wandering off to the day where his life hit rock bottom. A day worth forgetting, but not forgetting who. The Channel smell filled his nostrils as he gripped onto the bottle, fighting the urge to let the tears stream down his face. It had been too long since he held her in his arms, since he seen her face, kiss her on the lips. All to long.

It had been 3 years exactly since the worst day in Derrick's life and America history. It was all one flashback that replayed like a broken record player. Normally you could throw the record away and go buy a new one, but it was impossible to replace the one that filled your life with pure joy and happiness.

Derrick heaved a sigh and fingered the hems of his J. Crew shorts. He vowed never to wear jeans again in his life. The one day he changed it up a bit because she asked him too and then everything fell apart. Never again was he going to wear pants. The poignant memory came back to his distraught and confused mind.

~Flashback~

"_Derrick, will you puh-lease put on the jeans that I got you before I leave. I just want to see you in them once. I mean you never know, I might not be around to see you wear them." Massie joked as she pleaded. Derrick smiled and finally gave in. "All right, it's just because I love you."_

_Massie grinned and leaned in to kiss her boyfriend of three years. Derrick smiled and put on the pair of Ralph Lauren jeans Massie got him. "Uh, I look like Josh." Derrick whined. Massie smiled and shook her head no. "Derrick ready to go. I have to meet my dad in California and I will be back in a week." Massie said as she grabbed her prada bag and started walking out the door of her mom's house. Derrick followed her out as he grabbed her Louis Vuitton suit case._

"_So why again do you have to go to your dads?" Derrick asked as he wished she didn't have to go. "Because my mom wants me to see him, since I haven't been to his house in like a year." Massie said in a duh toned voice. Derrick grinned and drove his Camaro to the Newark International Airport in Newark, New Jersey. _

_Derrick sighed as he didn't want his girlfriend to leave. He just wanted her to stay at his house and watch the whole season of Harry Potter on the 67" plasma screen T.V. Derrick drove up the airport and walked inside with Massie, the suitcase strolling behind them. _

_They went through the security check system and walked to the terminal where Flight 93 was suppose to leave at. Derrick took a seat on the blue hard chairs and motioned for Massie to sit next to him. Derrick frowned as the flight attendant called "Flight 93 motioned for take off."_

_Massie sighed and got up. "Well I guess this is my flight." _

_Derrick placed a fake grin on his face. A week was going to be a long time, considering he spent everyday with her. "I guess so." Derrick muttered as he pulled her into a hug. "I love you and never forget that." Massie said as she held on tighter. Derrick nodded and pulled her into a long passionate kiss. To bad he didn't know this would be his last kiss. _

"_I love you too Block." Derrick grinned solemnly as he walked his girlfriend to the end of the terminal. "Bye." Massie called out as Derrick grabbed her hand. "Bye. I love you." Derrick said as her fingers slipped through his hands. He waved goodbye and watched through the window until her plane took off. _

~Pause in the flash back~

Derrick squeezed the bottle tighter as he bit his bottom lip. That was the only beginning of the horrible flashback. The wind blew and chilled his skin. The clouds were dark and gloomy like the mood of this day. He was fighting back the tears that were on the way and he knew it. It was like everyday. Everyday was another day that it's been since she left. Since she left New Jersey, since she left her parents, since she left the pretty committee, and most importantly since she left his life.

The horrible feeling was at the pit of Derrick's stomach. He was hitting breaking point. His life was going nowhere just like hers did. She hit a dead end road and it was all over. But for him, he hit a bump that was impossible to get over. He didn't care that life and time moved on. His heart was cold and numb, just like his eyes were blood shot. More of the remorse flashback was coming but it never left. It followed him like his past and it would trail in front of him like his future.

~Continuing the flashback~

_Derrick started driving home. Something felt weird about today. He wasn't for sure but it just did. He drove to Josh's house where everyone but Massie was meeting up. They were going to hang out. After 5 minutes Derrick pulled into the long cobblestone driveway and got out of his Camaro._

_Derrick brushed his jeans off and walked inside Josh's house. "Hey." Derrick muttered as everyone was gathered around the T.V. "What are you looking at?" Derrick questioned as he squeezed himself in between Claire and Kemp. _

"_Some high jackers took control of two planes and crashed them into the Twin Towers." Josh said as his eyes were glued to the T.V. Derrick let out a gasp and watched along with the rest of his friends. He couldn't help but be worried about Massie. Was she going to be okay. Did they take control of her plane. But he just stared helplessly at the news channel as they kept replaying the same thing over and over again. Nobody spoke as they just kept their main focus on the T.V._

_Derrick pulled out his cell phone and checked the time. Massie's plane should be landing soon, Derrick thought. He twiddled his thumbs as he couldn't keep his mind off of Massie. "EhMaGawd." Alicia shouted as she turned the T.V. up louder._

"_What." Derrick asked as he looked up on the T.V. screen. His heart was pounding rapidly. "Derrick, what flight was Massie on?" Alicia questioned. Her voice broke and she leaned on Josh for support. Derrick's eyes widened as he listened to the news reporter._

"_Flight 93 from New Jersey has just hit the ground in Stonycreek Township, Pennsylvania. The flight was high jacked by four Islamic Terrorists. The plane tumbled in the ground. We have a guess that it was aiming for the Pentagon in Washington D.C. All 37 passengers including the 4 high jackers, and the 7 members of the crew were all killed." The news reporter said into the microphone.  
_

_Derrick couldn't hear no more. Tears started to roll down his face. His Massie was dead. He couldn't believe it. She had to be alive. "No." Derrick shouted. The tears were streaming down everyone else's face. Josh glanced at his best friend. He looked like a total wreck._

"_Derrick." Cam said as he placed his hand on Derrick's shoulder. "Don't Derrick me." Derrick shouted hoping off of the back of the couch. He took off running leaving his friends behind. Chris wiped the tears that were falling from his eyes and ran off after Derrick. He caught up to him outside. _

"_Derrick." Chris said as he walked up to Derrick outside next to the porch. Derrick didn't answer he stood there not making a noise. "Derrick come on." Chris said as he placed his hand on Derrick's shoulder. "Don't touch me." Derrick hissed, his voice shaking. Chris took his hand off of Derrick's shoulders._

"_Look I know it hurts. But things like this happen. I miss her a lot already. But sometimes we have to accept it." Chris said as his eyes were filling with tears again. "No! Its not fair." Derrick shouted. Chris sighed as he knew this wasn't getting anywhere._

"_Derrick." Chris pleaded again. The cool September air breezed past them causing a bitter chill in the air. "Chris. What are you going to tell me? Huh that everything will be okay. Well it won't. I loved her and now she's gone. You still have Dylan, Kemp still has Kristen, Cam still has Claire, and Josh still has Alicia. Who do I have." Derrick shouted as he fell onto his knees. _

_Chris opened his mouth to say something but nothing was going to come out. "You have us." a voice spoke up. Derrick looked up to find all of his friends standing on the porch holding onto each other and wiping each others tears._

"_Derrick, Massie was my best friend. I lost that. I know it hurts." Alicia said. Her eyes focusing Derrick's face. He hadn't started crying yet like everyone else. Derrick didn't say anything else. He got up and walked to his Camaro and drove away, ignoring his friends pleads to come back. _

~End of Flashback~

Derrick rocked slightly back and forth and ran his hand through his hair. Thunder cackled in the air and lighting started to flash brightly in the sky. The breezy wind biting at his skin and blowing the left of the tree leaves off of the tree. He couldn't believe it had already been three years. His soul was lost and his mind was empty. His heart hadn't been into anything else. It had been over three years since he had picked up a soccer ball. After Massie was gone, Derrick felt no need to live. But yet he kept on living. His soul was dead and his mind was somewhere else. It lived in the last memories and flashbacks of the past. Nothing was ever going to change that. He may have had his friends convinced but he never had the one that was always watching over him convinced. Little pelts of rain drops splashed on his face and the top of his Tomahawk sweatshirt. The weather brought back the last part of the flashback. The worst part of it all.

~Flashback~

_Derrick stood around the dark hole of nothing. It seemed like everyone was at her funeral. At the visitations there was over 20,000 people coming and going. It had been three days and his heart ached. He hadn't been able to eat anything. His eyes were blood shot from all of the vodka he drank. He had puked everything up every night. His head was throbbing and his soul felt numb. The day's weather felt like his mood. Crappy and tired. The clouds were gathered into blotches, blocking out sunlight. The wind nipped at the bare skin and the trees were threadbare._

_Derrick stared at the casket that was going to be buried there. There wasn't a body but it didn't matter. Her parents refused to have nothing less. She should have a burial ceremony even if the body was burnt to crisps. Derrick clenched his fists and ignored everyone's apologies. Saying sorry wasn't going to bring her back. No matter what it just wasn't going to cut it this time. "We would all like to say a few words about Massie." The priest said as he stared into the empty casket. _

_Alicia Rivera made her way up to the podium. Her face was tear streaked and for once her outfit wasn't Ralph Lauren. "I would like so say a few things about my best friend, my rival, and my sister." Alicia paused and continued to speak again. Her voice was cracking more and more as she spoke. "Massie Emica Block, was my best friend. She was actually more then my best friend, she was my sister. We were big rivals but that didn't mean anything. I loved her greatly. Just like the rest of the pretty committee. After today it will be dispersed. When I got up this morning I felt no need for living. But I know that isn't what Massie would want. She was always so cheerful and peppy. She was a true friend and anyone would have killed to be friends with her. She helped us in the tough times in our lives like when me and Josh broke up, or when Dylan's dad came back in her life, to Kristen's parents splitting up and causing Kris to become poor, also when Massie carried Claire on her back for two miles because Claire broke her leg. Those are the things I will never forget. Massie Block I love you like a sis and I will never forget the good time or you. I will never forget you, ever." Alicia spoke out loud and ran to Josh's arms. You could hear everyone's cries. _

_Derrick still remained cold and numb. He hadn't budged and he hadn't cried once. His heart ached to much to cry. Mr. and Mrs. Block looked at Derrick and sighed. He just stood there clenching his pockets to his Blazer. They walked up to the podium and decided to speak. "We are here to honor this day for my daughter. We miss her greatly and there is one thing. She will always be with us." Kendra spoke but stopped and decided to let William continue. "Massie was a great person. She loved life and people, and they seemed to love her back. I never thought that she would disappear so fast out of our lives. And right now, I want to kill the bastard that did this to my baby, but he is already dead. It was such a tragic about everyone who was killed. I love you Massie Emica Block. Rest well." William spoke. Kendra stared at Derrick. He looked so hurt. "I would like to say I love you Massie Emica Block and before we finish I would like someone to come up here and say something. Derrick." Kendra said while tears were flowing out of her eyes._

_Derrick looked up at and his feet weren't moving. "Go on." Kemp said as he shoved Derrick towards the podium. "No." Derrick muttered. Cam grabbed Derrick by his shirt and said "Derrick, this is your last chance to say something. So go say something because if you don't then you will never get to say what you have to say."_

_Derrick sighed and new Cam was right. He trudged his feet up towards the podium. His feet getting heavier and heavier at each step he took. Once he finally got up there all eyes were on him. "I uh--, there is so much to say. I look at all of you standing out there. Many of which were Massie's friends, family, class mates, or just knew Massie some how. She was a wonderful person. Right now she wouldn't want us to be crying about her." Derrick paused, he was listening to himself speak and now the tears were coming. They brimmed his eyelashes and stung in the corner of his eyes. "But we are. I look at all of you and see how Massie has changed our lives. She changed mine. She showed me what love was and I will always thank her for that. Before I met Massie the first time, which I was 14, I was a hellion. I had been in and out of JDC for three years straight. My parents couldn't control me. But Massie changed me. She helped me grow and learn from my mistakes. If I could see Massie one more time it would be to tell her I love her. And I will never forget her." Derrick said. The salty wet tears streamed down his face. _

_Derrick dropped to his knees, on the cold hard ground and let the tears come. He wiped them off but they kept falling. A tear hit the dark soil. Derrick gripped his hands into the dirt and held on. For the first time in a long time he was crying. He was crying for his friends, for Massie's parents, for Massie's family, for him, and mostly for Massie. _

_When the casket was getting ready to be dropped Derrick walked up to it and placed a single White Rose on it. He wiped the remainder of the tears off of his face and walked away but not before staring up into the sky. Slowly, rain started to fall and splashed against the cold surface where Massie Block's casket now laid. "Massie Emica Block, I know you can hear me and I love you." Derrick whispered. The wind blew by and he swore he could have heard Massie's voice saying "Derrick I love you. Always have and always will." He put on a grim smile and walked away from the burial._

~End Of Flashback~

Derrick fought back the memories. The tears no longer came but the heart ache did. Derrick gripped onto his shorts and let the lease go on his lower lip. His eyes once again tracked to the sky, where it held Massie. He smiled solemnly at them and said to the sky "Massie, it's been so long since I have seen you. I go everyday wishing I could hold you in my arms, run my hands through your silky brown hair, kiss your glossed lips, hold your hand, watch movies with you. I wish I could do it all. I know your up there watching over me. I know your up there, listening to every word I'm saying. I know that you know I love you. But I'm going to say it again. I love you." Derrick said as he laid another single white rose down on her grave. And once again the wind blew by. Derrick just new that Massie was talking to him. His eyes brimmed with tears but they weren't going to fall.

"Derrick, come on. It's time to leave. We have to head back to Princeton." Alicia said as she held hands with Josh. Derrick got up off of the grass and brushed his purple colored knees off. He slowly walked away from the grave, hiding his tears behind a smile that he placed on his face.

**So I really liked this but I'm not for sure. I am wondering???, what did you all think about it. Did you like or was it so bad that you wanted me just to delete it. Review and tell me =). **

**!~kai~!**


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